Saturday, June 27, 2009
Today I was like packing up everything in my cupboard and shelves and I came across many of the notes that people have wrote for me, from all of the 'pass the paper', to 'pass the book', to LTC penseive, to Superteen last year, from my dear council camp group 4 and many many many more!
It always amazes me so much on how these tiny notes can make my day and just get rid of all my 'I'm a failure' thoughts and just give a smile on my face, and seriously lighten up the mood!
When I'm feeling lousy, I see notes that tell me that I'm great.
When I feel as if I've not been a good friend to others, the notes tells me not.
When I feel that I've been bad, the notes tell me that I'm nice.
When... the notes tells me otherwise...
This is the wonder behind it...
I seriously don't know why, but the notes just gives me every reason to smile, no matter good or bad the things written are...
To tell you the truth, I don't really know what has gotten into me lately in this whole month of the june holidays, and that there are many things just bugging me almost everyday...
It's like I've always promised myself to be happy like before...
to be proud of my present just as I was proud of my past...
but the things happening in life just seems to turn me off...
I seriously feel that I'm a failure...
for losing friends...
for not having the discipline to do the things that I've wanted...
for feeling bad about things and never being able to do anything about it...
for not being there for people anymore...
for ignoring people...
for disappointing people...
for many many things...
And I realised that I've been like unhappy for my JC2 life...
and I've known that I'm the one that has been giving all these misery to myself...
It's all what I've actually my own perception of myself...
for once, I thought as if I was going to give in into stress...
But there's one thing that I've realised...
I seem to be happier when I had nothing...
when I was carefree, not bounded by anything...
And I really want to relive the feeling...
But right now, I need more time...
because of the things that are bothering me right now, from the neverending medical check-ups to some personal issues...
and I really feel as if I needed someone to listen to me, someone willing to listen to my ranting...
For all my life I've been a listening ear, bottling up things within myself, and seriously, I'm jealous of people being able to have people to lend them a listening ear, and that's why I've always tried to be there for some people that are willing to talk to me.
Right now I just want to let go of everything and just start anew...
and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, even hurting myself (not self-mutilation, I mean giving things up)...
and I'm sure I'll regret it and then forget it after a while, and just following the rule of 'time heals everything'...
I just hope it doesn't hurt anyone...
But again, I think the notes will help me whenever I need them, for they'll always remind me of the wonderful past that I had, the one that I'm working towards!
With that, I wish myself good luck.
(R^3)CMI wrote some crap again... <3 5:20 PM
Wow, it's like been a few weeks since I've last blogged, and it's like holidays is ending soon!
But coming to think of it, mid-years also seems like holidays! Cos it's like we go to school for a few hours paper then can go home le! So it also kinda seems like holidays.
Anyways, these few weeks had really been kinda great (except for the last week).
The first week was like studying for my H3 exam which I think is okay, and most of the time it isn't about studying at all! hahaz! But it was realy great spending time studying with the rest!
Then the second week was like SDP week! We had workshops on monday and wednesday, then the PAE test on Friday!
Then for the third week, it was like slacking week! The week started off with staying at Ely's house with Jamie, Ming Wei & April (second day) and Candhira (third day)! It was kinda fun there except for the fact that I missed my own bed because of the small bean bag that we (the guys) had and also the high cost of living! Seriously, my two weeks of savings gone in three days!
Then went for Pamela's barbeque on wednesday, played loads of basketball on thursday, went for PDP outing at the movies watching ghosts of girlfriends' past and hair for hope briefing on friday, going for my guitar teacher's barbeque on saturday with my brother and going out to my aunty's house for fathers' day celebration on sunday! It was a week filled with activities man!
Then for the fourth week (my most dreaded week...), it was like studying and learning week...
Morning play basketball and practice guitar...
Afternoon study... (do one paper a day, seriously, that was useless)
At night learn stuff... (photoshop on monday and microsoft excel on tuesday)
But the routine only perservered (lasted) for 2 days...
for the third day and fourth day, I was like playing non-stop! hahaz! Kinda missed 31st during this week cos it's like super boring staying at home... no titbits... nobody to talk to...
Hahaz, then on friday (that is ytd), I went with the rest for dragonboat A div cheering! It was real happy meeting some 31st again after four days of torture at home! Yups, I think they really did their best, though they might not have gotten what they've wanted. Yups, NYDB rocks!
(R^3)CMI wrote some crap again... <3 4:58 PM
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Oh wells...
I seriously think that the holidays are like freaking boring...
it's like I've planned so much to learn for this holiday but just have to wait till next week...
and that freaking medical check-ups kept o screwing up, and I seriously hope that I don't get screwed...
Studying for my H3 exam this friday seriously sucks too...
it's like I can nvr remember the reagents and conditions for the synthesis parts no matter how hard I tried and read + re-read the notes...
And DAMN! I didn't know that Chem Olympiad stuff (the one that tommy is doing), is so much worse that H3... (I'm starting to appreciate H3 chem more...)
Well, I was like reading through it and gave up reading, just stick with what is gonna come out...
but nonetheless, I must say that I've improved maybe a bit, just a little bit...
I really hope that all my hard work will not go to waste and I shall at least get a merit or sumthing...!
So anyways, there's like so much more to complete during the holidays...
learn so much more stuff...
Study...
teach Jamie maths...
Attending workshops...
and most importantly, ENJOYING!
And the good news is that, I get to wake up late everyday (well, almost...)
but... the bad news is that I don't have long to complete the things that I wanna complete...
I really wanna be a better person once school reopens...
and I'm super determined to do that! =)
But right now there are just some things that I cannot get out of my head...
I think Jamie will understand one of it, the other is just the medical check-up stuff... (it's like WTH... I dun even LOOK or FEEL unhealthy... what's wrong with them giving me so many medical check-ups and appointments... it's now like 4 and counting...)
~~~
I really wanna know if you've found out the truth...Right now I really don't know how I'm able to open my mouth to speak to you...or perhaps, what I can say to you...I'm not trying to ignore you...just don't know what to say...I feel bad, but I just can't help it...but I'm sure you'll do well without me...My job is over and I really miss it...
but I guess i'll never be able to relive it again...Well, that might be the best way then...I'm really sorry, for being such a jerk...but I really cannot help it...I'm tired, very tired...
(R^3)CMI wrote some crap again... <3 1:09 AM
