Saturday, June 27, 2009
Today I was like packing up everything in my cupboard and shelves and I came across many of the notes that people have wrote for me, from all of the 'pass the paper', to 'pass the book', to LTC penseive, to Superteen last year, from my dear council camp group 4 and many many many more!
It always amazes me so much on how these tiny notes can make my day and just get rid of all my 'I'm a failure' thoughts and just give a smile on my face, and seriously lighten up the mood!
When I'm feeling lousy, I see notes that tell me that I'm great.
When I feel as if I've not been a good friend to others, the notes tells me not.
When I feel that I've been bad, the notes tell me that I'm nice.
When... the notes tells me otherwise...
This is the wonder behind it...
I seriously don't know why, but the notes just gives me every reason to smile, no matter good or bad the things written are...
To tell you the truth, I don't really know what has gotten into me lately in this whole month of the june holidays, and that there are many things just bugging me almost everyday...
It's like I've always promised myself to be happy like before...
to be proud of my present just as I was proud of my past...
but the things happening in life just seems to turn me off...
I seriously feel that I'm a failure...
for losing friends...
for not having the discipline to do the things that I've wanted...
for feeling bad about things and never being able to do anything about it...
for not being there for people anymore...
for ignoring people...
for disappointing people...
for many many things...
And I realised that I've been like unhappy for my JC2 life...
and I've known that I'm the one that has been giving all these misery to myself...
It's all what I've actually my own perception of myself...
for once, I thought as if I was going to give in into stress...
But there's one thing that I've realised...
I seem to be happier when I had nothing...
when I was carefree, not bounded by anything...
And I really want to relive the feeling...
But right now, I need more time...
because of the things that are bothering me right now, from the neverending medical check-ups to some personal issues...
and I really feel as if I needed someone to listen to me, someone willing to listen to my ranting...
For all my life I've been a listening ear, bottling up things within myself, and seriously, I'm jealous of people being able to have people to lend them a listening ear, and that's why I've always tried to be there for some people that are willing to talk to me.
Right now I just want to let go of everything and just start anew...
and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, even hurting myself (not self-mutilation, I mean giving things up)...
and I'm sure I'll regret it and then forget it after a while, and just following the rule of 'time heals everything'...
I just hope it doesn't hurt anyone...
But again, I think the notes will help me whenever I need them, for they'll always remind me of the wonderful past that I had, the one that I'm working towards!
With that, I wish myself good luck.
(R^3)CMI wrote some crap again... <3 5:20 PM
